As I watched "House, M.D." this week, I was confronted with some feelings I thought I had buried deep, close to the earth's molten iron core.
My daughter and I both enjoy watching House. I love the dynamics between the characters of the show. The Chicklet likes the puzzles, and the process involved in solving them. We both appreciate his warped sense of humour.
Gregory House says outloud some of the things I refrain from saying myself. Believe me, I get in enough trouble as it is with being direct and blunt. But, as I was telling Hope this week, I don't pussy-foot around when I think people can do better and should be tough enough to suck it up and know that I bother to push only when I care. Mind you, there are some people I handle extremely gently because I know they have been through enough, and they are fragile - like a butterfly's wing.
So, back to the topic at hand... What shook me up?
ATTENTION - Here comes the spoiler, if you haven't watched and it's on your DVR... stop reading (but then you'll miss out on another very important detail about what makes me tick).
Ok?
Lawrence Kutner, one of House's team members (for those of you that don't watch) and quite possibly the most entertaining, commits suicide.
Kutner was, to me, a most beloved character. The kid (yeah, 33 is younger than me, so The Kid) was brilliant and goofy and according to House, insane. He handled being House's whipping boy with grace and humour. Some coaches ride their charges hard, so do 1st Sgts... Many people run away or turn into whiny-piny-pissy-pants in that kind of situation. And this? Is a trait I have issues with (note, there is a difference with bitching and letting aggravation show and being a whiny-wuss) But not Kutner. He showed determination, and a certain willingness to go with the flow and ride out the waves.
Or so we all thought...
Sadly, something in his life latched onto his ankle like the Kraken, that dreaded giant squid and dragged him under the surface and didn't let go. Was it memories of his parents' death when he was a child, his experience in foster care, feelings of not fitting in? The internet is now filled with hypotheses. People need to know why. They didn't see it coming.
And I think that for many survivors of suicide, but I'll speak for myself here, not knowing why... wondering what was the monster that rendered a beloved family member, friend, colleague unable to make it back to the surface in time, can haunt us for a lifetime. And there's the guilt... wondering what signs we missed, what we could have done, what we didn't do...
As distraught as I was, or more precisely, can be over an imaginary character's death, it brought back feelings of helplessness and of being abandoned after the suicide of my uncle when I was a teenager.
I saw, in the characters that were left behind, the emotions that members of my family, including me, experienced when my uncle Paul took his own life.
My mother went through the angry phase of grief pretty strongly, and being Catholics, her denial was intense. She never did accept his suicide and denied he had killed himself to her dying day. We just don't damn our souls to purgatory and the eternal fires of hell like that, no siree... not in our family.
But you know what? Apparently, we do. At least, he did.
I don't remember how I learned of his death, much less that it was at his own hand in the same manner that Kutner died. I've completely blocked out the conversation. I don't even know who told me. And I don't want to get that moment back. I gladly surrender it to the black hole we all possess, the one that can take our most painful memories and eat them.
I remember that I felt anger and then, I felt betrayed. I thought he was a coward because he didn't fight. He had left me. It took a long time for me to give up the anger. I cursed him and convinced myself he wasn't worth my tears as I had apparently not been worth his sticking around. This is sometimes easier than letting the grief take over.
Watching the unfolding story, I was once again reminded of how much pain my beloved uncle must have been in that led him to this? Suicide is final. There are no do-overs. And it does affect the world when someone let's go.
His death now serves as a learning experience for me, and reminds me that no matter how bad things get... suicide is not a solution. In a way, he gave me one of the most important survival lessons I have learned.
But I still miss his smile and kind blue eyes. He's the one I talk to when I need help getting up off my rear when I've been thrown to the ground. I'd give anything to have him back.
I hope the powers that be on "House M.D." continue to explore the aftermath. Because the ripples that come from a suicide can travel far and wide... and affect the deceased person's loved ones for a very long time, as it has me.
My daughter watched with me, and was puzzled. She, like so many fans, wondered why? This is an opportunity for me to have one of those discussions that parents dread. The goal not being explaining why, but offering that there is an alternative. To create in her an awareness that there is such a thing as suicide but that there is an alternative. She shouldn't have to learn that lesson the way I did. Maybe someday she'll be able to help someone in trouble... and slay the giant squid.
I will say, to the whiny-piny-pissy-pants babies that complained about the news media having ruined their television viewing experience by not sitting on this story and publishing the plot line before they got a chance to watch it on Hulu (could you hear the whiny tone?): get over it! This is bigger than you.
If you or a loved one needs help:
If their life is in immediate danger, call 911.
If you need to talk, either because you are contemplating suicide or have survived the loss of someone to suicide, there is help.
For information, someone to listen, the
Center for Suicide Prevention (in Canada) , the
National Alliance on Mental Illness or
Suicide.org are doorways to assistance.
(Thanks bro, I'd name my next child after you were I to have one *hug*).
